Yet again, I have opened a can of worms. Every time I write a column filled with complaints about annoying people, spelling mistakes, or the stupid things newscasters say, my inbox will soon be loaded with even more.
My recent column “The Worst Songs Ever” inspired many readers to name a few more. They say I overlooked many examples of musical malpractice. As I write this column on the eve of a holiday, I feel no guilt allowing you, my dearest friends to do my job for me. Let’s strike up the Bad Songs Band.
Loyal reader Ken didn’t argue with any of the previous selections, but pointed out a couple of glaring omissions. For example, the 1970 record, “In the Summertime” by one-hit wonder Mungo Jerry. I discovered the best part when I first heard it in stereo 20 years after it was a hit. You can hear the motor boat move from your left speaker to your right speaker. Ken is not impressed. He writes, “I would rather listen to static.” Ouch. He also nominated the long and loud 1983 Bonnie Tyler hit, “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” which is remembered for the oft-repeated line, “Turn around, bright eyes.” Ken said he never turned around, but he always turned off the radio.
A reader named Shelley nominated Rupert Holmes’ “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)” which topped the charts in 1979. That’s the one about an unhappily married couple who each answer a personal ad, and then discover they had a lot in common after all. Shelley says, “The two people decide to cheat on each other. When they meet up by surprise, they just laugh it off. Come on! They’re both crappy people, and they deserve each other.” That’s the power of a “worst song.” It’s been 45 years, and Shelley is still trying to escape from it.
She gave honorable mention to a couple of songs by the actual married couple known as the Captain and Tennille. She wrote, “From ‘The Way I Want to Touch You’ to ‘Do That To Me One More Time,’ they suckered us into buying their hot romance records. Then they split up and Toni Tennille told us that there was zero passion in their marriage.” Oh well, at least they gave it a try. Britney Spears’ first marriage lasted only 55 hours. There was no time to write a song about that one.
Speaking of brief unions, superstars James Taylor and Carly Simon were married just long enough in the 1970s to record the hit single “Mockingbird.” Remember? “Mock. Yeah. Ing. Yeah. Bird. Yeah.” My friend Duke has no patience with this one. He wrote, “I would rather rub styrofoam together than listen to Mockingbird.” Wow, styrofoam. That might be worse than fingernails on a chalkboard!
My faithful correspondent Carole piles on about another tale of infidelity. She writes, “Remember ‘Me and Mrs Jones’ by Billy Paul? Are we really supposed to feel sorry for two married people who are having an affair?”
Longtime reader Eddie in north Georgia is a music teacher, so he has instant credibility. He singles out the 1968 bubblegum hit “Yummy Yummy Yummy (I Got Love in My Tummy)” by the Ohio Express. I would argue that “Indian Giver” is even worse. It is included on the album “The Best of the 1910 Fruitgum Company.” As soon as I saw the title of the album, I wondered, “The BEST of? Is that even possible?”
I also received nominations for “Itsy-Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini,” “Cotton Eye Joe,” “You’re Having My Baby,” and as Jennifer Wooten wrote, “the Celine Dion song from Titanic. If the orchestra had been playing that song, I’d have jumped ship before we hit the iceberg!”
By far the best reply to last month’s column came from songwriter Randy Brooks, who wrote “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.” In response to the reader who said, “Whoever got rich from that record should send us all a refund,” Mr. Brooks wrote, “Tell her I am not sending the money back.” Hey, at least he didn’t write “Yummy Yummy Yummy.”
David Carroll is a Chattanooga news anchor, and his new book “I Won’t Be Your Escape Goat” is available on his website, ChattanoogaRadioTV.com. You may contact him at 900 Whitehall Road, Chattanooga, TN 37405, or at RadioTV2020@yahoo.com.
